Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have another place exactly where American men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is smooth electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions

Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where attendees may ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The ad campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The project is by now attracting consideration from international traders, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even incorporate:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

To the Trump Tower Damascus https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down assistance."

An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."